Make The Bed - Light The Light

Peter Morris

October 16, 2024.

We all know that men are not ‘domestic’ creatures.  Creatures perhaps, but not exactly domesticated.

I decided it was time to change my bedding.  What could be simpler?  Change the duvet cover, change the pillow cases, and change the sheets.  It’s a five minute job...isn’t it...?

I had been to the local charity shop some time before and bought a complete set of what looked pretty much like new bedding.  It smelled lovely and was pristine.  So that was my choice of ‘change’.  Why not?  That’s why I bought it.

It’s early evening  in the winter (that’s relevant!), and I set to by stripping the bed.  Sheet off,  pillow cases off, and then the ten second job of taking off the duvet cover.  No problem. Easy...

The first job I decided on was to put the new duvet cover on the duvet.  Yes, I’ve read and even seen the inside-out way and that makes things really simple.  But you have to remember, I’m a bloke.  I’d tried it before and got into an awful mess - decided to struggle with the ‘traditional method’.

So there I am, shoving, pushing, cajoling, cussing, concluded swearing wasn’t appropriate, tried talking nicely, and almost disappeared inside the cover.  For god’s sake, it just isn’t going to fit!!!

Eventually, after five minutes of fighting, I finally discover that the reason it’s such a problem is that it’s a single duvet cover and I’m trying to stuff a double duvet into it.

Thank goodness I’m alone and nobody can witness my basic error.  No problem!  I’ve got other duvet covers...haven’t I.

Next is the search for a suitable double cover.  I’ve got a wicker blanket box where I store all the bedding, and rummage through there to find a suitable alternative.  Bingo!  This will do.  It’s not exactly colour coordinated with my bedroom, but hey, I’m a bloke, and live alone.  Does that matter?  It’s my bedroom, who’s gonna notice?

Here we go again.  The traditional fight with the duvet versus the cover.  I shove the corners into the cover corners, and feel  I’m getting somewhere.  After several rounds of bad language yet again, it’s finally in, it’s flat, with no lumps and I’m pretty pleased.  I’ve managed it.

Then I notice that it’s inside out...I take a deep breath and trying to suppress my annoyance, I strip it off again, and start the ‘fitting’ once again.  I’m getting good at this, and it’s fitted in no time at all.  Then I go to close the duvet.  I wasn’t sure if it was buttons or ‘poppers’.  I find it’s buttons...But there’s only one button...sod it, I think....Who cares?...

Then I have visions of it sneaking out of the cover during the night, and leaving me with just the cover during a night's sleep. In winter.  It’s gotta go!

So to cut a long story short, I find yet another cover...eventually. It’s not the right colour...so what?  I’m now getting good at this caper.  Strip the buttonless cover off, and replace it with one that does have fastenings.  I checked that it was not inside out,  I checked that it did have fasteners that work.  What could possibly go wrong now?  After another five minutes of wrestling with it, it’s inside, but it’s a bit lumpy.  No problem.  I’ll kick off my slippers, and with bare feet, just stand on the bed and give it a good shake.  This will give me height, and make it easy to smooth out the lumps. 

There I am stood on the bed and ‘shaking’ for all I’m worth when....CRASH! My shaking the duvet mean that I’m pretty close to the light fitting...that gets hit, smashes, and the entire house is plunged into darkness.

I'm in the pitch black, knowing there are shards of glass all over the bed, and I’m barefooted.  I can’t see what on earth I’m doing, but know I have to get downstairs to the kitchen and flick the trip-switch to get the lights back on again.  I gingerly lower myself and feel sharp pains in my feet and knees... Yep they’ve been cut...I don’t know how badly, but it’s odds on that they are now bleeding.

I make my way downstairs in the dark.  The electric board is in the kitchen, but it’s high up, so I need to get the step ladder to reach it.  Fortunately, I know where it is, even in the dark.  I start climbing the ladder and unfortunately in the dark miss my footing and fall off, hitting my head on the cupboard.  More pain....

Eventually, I climb up and manage to flick the switch...Hey presto - I now have lights again!  Thinking laterally, I get a spare bulb from the ‘man’ cupboard.  I know I’m gonna need one before going back into the bedroom.  The tricky bit is I know there are still shards of glass everywhere. 

So it’s a matter of setting up the vacuum cleaner, to scour the mattress and associated areas.  After removing the slivers from my slippers I set to, vacuuming the area for all traces of glass.  I’m getting rather fed up now...did the bed smell that bad?

Back in the bedroom and ready to continue the fight; the bulb is replaced, the blood from my feet, knees and head is subsiding.  I set to and finish the job I started.  I fasten the duvet with the provided poppers.

Woohooo...the duvet is done!  Now it’s just a matter of the sheet and the pillow cases. Now it’s got to be easy fitting the sheet...

I put one side on, and fit the other, and boing...the original side pops off...and so it goes on...fit one side and the other comes adrift...After another bout of profanity, it’s finally fitted.  Although I’m not convinced it will survive a night’s sleep with me tossing and turning.

Last but not least, the pillow cases.  Easy peasy!...Yep, there’s no problem there!  So there we are.  One completed bed change.

Changing my bedding took two hours to complete. 

Is that something of a record?

© Peter Morris, 2024

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